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Prologue

Here’s a peek-a-boo to a story I want to complete (but sadly don’t get the time!). How do you think it is? I’d love to read your comments (criticism expected!)  

The beginning of a long story … 

He gazed at her mesmerizing black eyes, now clouded with the pain of separation. His own eyes threatened to flood at any moment…

He knew she felt the pain, he felt her heart break into pieces! But her words were harsh, and lashed into his already hurt heart with a force no storm could exert!

“You are a roadside loafer with no standards! And me? I am a renowned writer! I am going off to IIE Delhi in a few days! And you? You are not even a graduate where boys of your age start their own business…! You are nothing Sameer! Nothing in front of me…”

The rest of it was lost in a whirl of emotions as he tried to keep himself composed. A moment later, he saw her turn haughtily and trot back towards her two wheeler, parked where she always parked it! In a minute she was gone…

And with her, went away his heart!

What about that 4 year old relationship they’d been in! What happened to those consistent remarks she gave about him being the cutest person on earth! What happened to those promises of loyalty, to those hugs filled with whispers of never parting?

He looked around himself, blinking back tears that stung those usually expressionless eyes, eyes that claimed to be read by her and only her!
He bashed a fist against the tree he stood under, the tree that provided cover for millions of their kisses.

A loafer! He was a loafer?

Maybe!

But he wasn’t just any loafer…

He was a loafer in love…or rather a loafer hurt in love!

17 thoughts on “Prologue”

  2. I can tell this is going to be a very emotive story. It’s a great start and you’ve set the scene brilliantly. We know a lot about the two characters already! Go for it! 🙂

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  5. “cutest person on earth! ” Sentence should end with ? not !

    “Maybe!” Suggest . here not !

    “a loafer hurt in love!” Suggest . not !

    ” Nothing in front of me…” I’m not sure this is a proper end for the sentence. Perhaps it is OK if written as
    “Nothing in front of me she thought to herself .” and not part of a spoken quote. That implies there is more to her unspoken thoughts which is fine. But if you care to write it as dialogue the sentence should be completed. Also do you mean he is nothing in front of me as far as him not being ahead of her in some way or to you mean she is expressing the thought as nothing “compared” to me ? Either choice is OK but be clear in your mind what you are suggesting to the reader.

    “in love…or rather” to insert … in this mid sentence serves no purpose.

    ! should be used sparingly and reserved for very dramatic sentence. You seem off to a good start and opening here shows reader there is a history that brought the relationship to this point. Love turning to bitterness and disgust does enhance a reader’s interest. Often a writer may not formulate the title of a book(seems you have not) until more of the story is developed and nothing wrong with that. But a title does help a reader decide to pick up a book in the first place. If this will be a crime, spy, or adventure story I would read it. If it is in the romance novel genre, well I don’t read those. Good luck.

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    • Thanks a ton for this wonderful comment! It means so much that you took tym enough to review my work 😀 yes I’ll be more careful while using the ! And will edit the sentences you pointed out 🙂
      This will be a thriller …crime cum love ! Hope u like it !
      I know m a bit immature! But m working towards harnessing my skills 🙂
      Thanks a ton !

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    • Yes I read it in your “About” page! I am obliged to be corrected by such a learned person! Thanks for visiting my blog!
      Thank you once again! Nyc to meet u sir 😀

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